New Mac

Yay!!! I finally got my new laptop and of course it's none other than the Mac, MacBook to be exact. And lordy am I excited.. I can't wait to start bloggin more & maybe even start up a Youtube channel.. who knows? but needless to say(but I'm gonna say it anyways) I'm very Excite!!

Avoidant Personality Disorder Woes

So, I may have APD... now what??
Am I cured?, cause I feel worse.
Am I crazy?, cause I feel like I am.
How can I get help.? Why can't I just be a shy, modest, antisocial person and not have some personality disorder.?
Who can I talk to? hmm, that's a good question but it's a lost cause
Because I feel unable to..
Better yet, how do I tell people?
I want them to understand me but what if they don't care to know.. or what if they think I'm being "dramatic"--I mean, why not? IT IS dramatic, to me, so why wouldn't it be to them?
I'm Sad.
But I don't want to be.
I hope this changes sooner than later.
I've isolated myself for too long. I wish that fact would/could be enough for me to move on.
But how can I when being ME seems to be the hardest thing I ever have to or had to do.
Again, WHY!?
I just want it to be something I could just "grow" out of.
Hate being pessimistic, when all I really want is to be optimistic.

Man, I just don't know... ???

**Words that describes my feelings**
Lonely depressed
tired weak
confused anxious
sad resentful
alone NUMB

Online Classes

I have been seaching for the last 2 days for a good online college I can apply to that also offers financial aid; and I am happy to say that I have started the admissions/enrollment process at Virginia College.

Since I am a single mother I felt so torn between the lifestyle I have now, the lifestyle I want and the lifestyle I need to have to get to where I want; I currently am working full time, mainly 3rd shift for a security company that requires me to be in a sedentary position 99% of the time, these 2 things alone makes me feel a strong dislike for my job because when I get off of work at 6am, I am so tired by the time I fall asleep it feels like I have to wake back up to tend to my 9 month old. Then I feel terrible when my baby is crying and pulling on her crib bars for me to wake up and play but all I want to do is sleep. This is the main reason why I know going to a college campus is completely out of the question for me. Like most mothers I value the time I get to spend with my daughter and if I could I would stay at home with her ALL day but since this is the real world, of course, at this point of my life that option is unavailable.

I can't help but to think of and plan for my future. I want to give my little one everything I wished for as a child but knew I will never have. And furthermore I need to do what I can not only for her but for myself. I love to learn and not even jokingly I love school and not having these things in my life I feel like my "book" smarts are lacking while my "street" smarts are flourishing(my description of "street" smarts when pertaining to myself is simply knowledge about life and living that you can not learn in school) and I feel as if something is missing. If you are a person that thrives off of knowledge and loves to reasearch and discover as much about the world and life in general then you can understand where I am coming from.

When evaluating my situation I decided that online courses are definetely the best option for me. Not losing time with my baby, going at my own pace, not having a set schedule,  being able to go to school in my own home, and obtaining an education and therefore a better job and future, without sacrificing my current job akes online classes seem like a treasure chest full of gold and jewels(corny, I know).

I will post some links that have helped and inspired me to take this step & I hope you will do the same. It may be hard at first but it will get easier and when it does you will reap the benefits of your hard work. Never take the path of least resistance!!.

New Blog!!

Hello Hello to anyone that is checking out my new blog. I am very excited to start going 'viral' (I guess that's what this is called); I am so looking forward to sharing my life experiences with you all and can't wait to get really into this whole blogging thing. Just so you guys know what my blog will be based around here is basically what I will be talking(typing) about: I see alot of youtube channels and blogs of girls that are very confident and experienced in make-up, hair, fashion, etc... but, you rarely see someone documenting their journey to these things, my blog will also include my journey to higher self-esteem. Now this WILL NOT be your typical blog, I don't have low self-esteem but I am very self-conscious and this affects my confidence. I am mixed with black and white(sounds so weird-like I'm describing paint or something) and grew up with my mom who is white so I never really learned how to do my natural hair and my mom also isn't big on make-up or fashion so I didn't really have someone to look up to as far as those things go. Anyways I will type on and on about this if I could but I don't want to bore anyone right off my blog SO if any of these things are any interest to you please follow.
SN; i do not own a laptop yet so my postings will be sparse until then and I will also be starting a Youtube channel too when this happens, so be looking out for that!!